Who is I???

   During a long summer hosting a "grand kids" reunion, along with being tired, frustrated and unable to cope with the drama coming from the "parental units" involved. Everything I tried to help me cope; Failing, along with self medicating. I again "vented" to my dear friend; Feeling again that my efforts have failed....Saying thing's like, "I Can't take this shit anymore!", "I can't keep up!","I just need some peace", "I don't know why I'm here!","I'm just a glorified house boy!" "I fucking want OUT!!" and "I" this and "I" that...Then "Jeff" said...     "Who's is I?" and I paused to catch my composure...Huh? "who is I?" At first I thought hmmmm....new philosophy? or is he just fuckin' with me... Then he responds "There is no I"....Ok now I'm thinking, yep he's fuckin' with me now...It reminded me of the old comedy routine by Abbott & Costello "Who's on First". (my wife to this day still thinks it when I bring it up...hopefully she'll get it someday;^)...) he then points me in the direction of "Ruthless Truth.com" and says check it out if you dare...

   So I check it out...My first impression (as well as my wife's) was Damb! these guy's are rude! Why does this "view" of life need to be so brutal? I read the whole thing and signed up and mulled it over for a while read this blog, and that blog, alot of it went over my head.

   Time go's by and my Ego is telling me "I got shit down" Right?....Wrong. More time go's by...By this time my Inflated Ego comes up with "Oh OK I am God!"... ya whatever...(Then even though I'm on anti-depressants) I'm constantly contemplating suicide, Angry and an emotional roller coaster....one night "I snapped"... slamming down alcohol, smoking this and doing that...I went for "the last walk of my life"...that's what I told myself. I left walking downtown to find a building to throw myself off of...Why? "I" couldn't take it any more... "These people can get along just fine without me!!!."

   I screamed, wept, walking into on-coming traffic!! Ranting to myself on and on, saying if I can't figure out an decent answer to life; That life wasn't worth living anymore...

   I walked  "each step" balling my head off, and saying "Come on fucker your gonna get this or your Fucking Dead!!"...I found a parking garage, walking the stairs, contemplating each step yet unable to find any reason to stop. Upon reaching the top I found my "spot" climbed up, and there I stood looking out, I'm thinking "Why didn't I run into somebody?"... Screaming, tipping forward and looking down... Tears streaming down my face, my head pounding; seeing my demise beyond my feet... Then nothing...complete quiet...thoughts gone.

    Not knowing exactly (at the time) what had just happened, my first thoughts were "Fuck! You Pussy you couldn't even do that Right!!!" ....Looking back now; I know why...