Holiday's vs. Celebrations...

  Like i said before; I'm purging here, so if this blog sounds philosophical it's purely by accident.  
   
   Alright, I'm not out to be a buzz kill... I like to party and spend time with friends and loved ones like anyone else; Keeping in mind that "giving and togetherness" is at the root of holiday functions... But some of this "shit" now, is getting out of hand. Not knowing ALL the traditions around the world; I'm talking about the big ones we are handing down to our "children / grand children and so on" (depending on your age ;^) .


    Then religion has to get involved and put their "Spin" on it to put a "profound" twist toward their cause. (Religion gets a blog all to its self....)
   OK...I'm just gonna say "it" continuing to create illusions and being liberated is a tough thing to do; First we say to the kids that Santa Claus, (Which there was such a good Samaritan by that name.) isn't real; Then in the same breath, saying that GOD is Real?!? WTF? Sounds Atheist? so be it, it is what it is... Now, if we say to those same people that God isn't real... Wow! does that piss em off!! Now your a heretic and should be damned for all eternity! and, burned at the stake!! Wow this shit IS Fucked up!!!! 
  
    Whats REAL is that every one is going through hard times and trying to make a living.
We see it all around us; not to be a downer, but it still exists, and surely will in the future. I have a wall hanging (That i just had to have.) that says, "It's the most wonderful time of the year" (ya it was a song.), but none the less I keep it up all year long to be a smart ass...Cause lets face it, we should consider everyday a blessing anyway.


   When I was a kid, my dad and I would decorate the house and put up the "tree" spend some quality time together and watch "The Grinch that Stole Christmas" (every year, yup "tradition") he didn't like cartoons, but made an exception for that show. Ya, so what? This I do with the children every year, along with going to see "X-mas lights" around town... "Tradition" none the less.


   So.., I was included on a "Black Friday" mission by my son, getting presents for the kids...That! was quite an experience...Along with the hustle and bustle; just tagging along "protecting the loot"; I couldn't help but noticing everyone, and the looks everyone had, scurrying about; Some happy of course, but others with the "focused look of competition" while other looked stressed and grumpy, and like maybe two or three (including me) with these silly smiles and occasionally shaking our heads at the folly around us. Succumbing to the corporate madness of projected earnings!; The marketing, the SALES!!, the "push" to get those numbers up by the end of the year. How jolly is that?!?. Scrooge could answer I'm sure.


    Some time back I remember seeing a calender by a company specializing in party accessories, and they printed every single "holiday" possible on that thing. Literally every other day or two was a holiday of some sort. That's fine, lets enjoy our self's, and not be coursed to spend money we don't have to show the ones close to us, how much we appreciate them through out the year. When you feel it Show it!  Kids are getting the wrong messages out there! 


   Call me "old fashioned" but a holiday "reboot" is needed... Family, Friends, Good food, "Spirits" (you know;^). Good times and good will...THAT'S what it's all about.          
        

The " I " must die...

  I believe it was Jed McKenna  who wrote that some may achieve "it" during their lifetime where others will at the point of their death. "It" being no-self, the Gate, Enlightenment or what ever you want to call "It", "Jed" just called it "Human Adulthood".

   In my case no matter how interested and motivated, It still came the hard way; after that harrowing night, along with being a bit hung over, and sick from such a cold evening (wearing only a t-shirt and shorts) mentally beat down, and having to answer for my foolish night with apologies and regret to my friends and loved ones.(My wife wondering if she should commit me for 72hr. evaluation.) The best answer I could give was, "I had to call myself out on some shit." 


   Up until that day (in my head) I kept saying to myself over and over "there is no I" "there is no I" again and again, to no avail. Why? it seems so Easy what am "I" missing? 

   Day two was the day I "popped". Sounds funny, but in fact it was the most profound and humbling experience I've ever had, so much so I didn't believe it at first...

    I'm sure that it was more difficult for me than others, yet I believe, it took being so beat down "mentally" that left me open for "the self" to fall away. leaving a feeling of profound relief.

   What is Enlightenment? Its reality without all the baggage and judgement and drama involved...(of course that's my opinion ;^) . In turn taking the proverbial "weight" off your shoulders.

   Which brings me to that point, (That night standing on the ledge of that building...) when everything went "quiet"; My thoughts becoming silent; Even for what seemed forever at that moment... What I've learn since then, is that thoughts come in endless strings (whether asleep or awake.) not aware of their certain demise if the body dies. Their only mission is to constantly spin stories or plans with the endings of many choices without any concern of their host or others....In turn driving one quite mad if going unchecked.

   Having to go through such a violent and potentially harmful means for this I say, is well worth the journey taken; Though not recommended for others.
    I believe that someone must go thru some sort of profound means to LOOK and break thru the illusion of " I ". It doesn't come easy....

Who is I???

   During a long summer hosting a "grand kids" reunion, along with being tired, frustrated and unable to cope with the drama coming from the "parental units" involved. Everything I tried to help me cope; Failing, along with self medicating. I again "vented" to my dear friend; Feeling again that my efforts have failed....Saying thing's like, "I Can't take this shit anymore!", "I can't keep up!","I just need some peace", "I don't know why I'm here!","I'm just a glorified house boy!" "I fucking want OUT!!" and "I" this and "I" that...Then "Jeff" said...     "Who's is I?" and I paused to catch my composure...Huh? "who is I?" At first I thought hmmmm....new philosophy? or is he just fuckin' with me... Then he responds "There is no I"....Ok now I'm thinking, yep he's fuckin' with me now...It reminded me of the old comedy routine by Abbott & Costello "Who's on First". (my wife to this day still thinks it when I bring it up...hopefully she'll get it someday;^)...) he then points me in the direction of "Ruthless Truth.com" and says check it out if you dare...

   So I check it out...My first impression (as well as my wife's) was Damb! these guy's are rude! Why does this "view" of life need to be so brutal? I read the whole thing and signed up and mulled it over for a while read this blog, and that blog, alot of it went over my head.

   Time go's by and my Ego is telling me "I got shit down" Right?....Wrong. More time go's by...By this time my Inflated Ego comes up with "Oh OK I am God!"... ya whatever...(Then even though I'm on anti-depressants) I'm constantly contemplating suicide, Angry and an emotional roller coaster....one night "I snapped"... slamming down alcohol, smoking this and doing that...I went for "the last walk of my life"...that's what I told myself. I left walking downtown to find a building to throw myself off of...Why? "I" couldn't take it any more... "These people can get along just fine without me!!!."

   I screamed, wept, walking into on-coming traffic!! Ranting to myself on and on, saying if I can't figure out an decent answer to life; That life wasn't worth living anymore...

   I walked  "each step" balling my head off, and saying "Come on fucker your gonna get this or your Fucking Dead!!"...I found a parking garage, walking the stairs, contemplating each step yet unable to find any reason to stop. Upon reaching the top I found my "spot" climbed up, and there I stood looking out, I'm thinking "Why didn't I run into somebody?"... Screaming, tipping forward and looking down... Tears streaming down my face, my head pounding; seeing my demise beyond my feet... Then nothing...complete quiet...thoughts gone.

    Not knowing exactly (at the time) what had just happened, my first thoughts were "Fuck! You Pussy you couldn't even do that Right!!!" ....Looking back now; I know why...

                

In the beginning.....

Pre-Liberation.....Of course. 

Just a normal kid...? No, not really; I always had a feeling that i didn't fit in. That something  was off, (from my point of view) when I'd express it, at times; whether it was toward my parents or friends their response was reciprocated wrong or with some sort of negative or moral / religious spin to it, which left me truly suspicious of my thoughts and others.

    As I grew older; "pieces" (however puzzling) seemed to hit and made me question how society was spinning in circles that seemed "endless".

   As youth passed, my grandparents and parents passing, and my body failing on numerous occasions,(Without the help of modern medicine, I wouldn't be here now.) I have found a certain realization that "life force" is in fact delicate, and have a humbleness now that wasn't there when I was young. Death is guaranteed...I've gone thru depression and bouts of suicide but until my liberation didn't understand what was so necessary about life, going in seemingly endless circles, and growing older and feeling less in control of everything around me and at times becoming fearful even anxious of what is to come.

   Then I met a friend, (Not just any friend.) A Guitar teacher, an artist in any rite. And one day in a conversation about "Self help" it began; How so many self help "guru's" think they have it all figured out; And that "psycho" therapy only covers what is so called " Mentally Ailing" you, in a Physical sense.

   We conversed about whats out there, and something was said about how we "perceive" the world around us; and how things are really just self induced "illusion"; It sort of hit me weird; but later I started playing with the idea and a week or so later; I was thinking about, (of all things!) the President and all of the bullshit he has to put up with, and then "It" hit! (looking back it seemed like...."this may sound funny... like that fucking egg on the cover of the "Alien" movie".) a crack with the light behind it. It hit me; that's when the Awareness started "Big time". then all the pieces from the past started coming back and I started challenging EVERYTHING!!....

   Then I Read Ekehart Tolle , Ganga Gi, Jed McKenna... Whatever seemed to catch and keep my attention... they would touch on a lot of things and puzzle pieces from my past but they were that "feel good" temporary shit that would pass, but not be worthy of a day to day dose of realty that inevitably smacks you down to earth and say's "Bitch your wrong!"

    Just needed to go there one last time; It was pretty profound at the time, but nothing to what was about to come...

Bio...Cam "RT"

So many thoughts....So Little time....

Born June 1963, without the work of a deity and just as unexpected as the universe began, so did I...

My dad was ex-military (Navy) witnessing the "A-bomb" tests on what was then the Bikini Islands during world war II. After returning home he worked as a toll operator for Bell telephone. Later he took over running the motel business for his mother prior to her death...My mother, (Raised in a strict catholic family.), only worked two jobs her entire life. The first as a usherette at a Movie theater (Where she met my father.) later she worked and retired after 45 years from First Interstate Bank ; Both doing their best to keep our home intact. My sister (12 years older) when I was brought home, was instantly the baby sitter and made responsible for my welfare; When our parents were away, she was understandably reluctant to do so, and in turn missing many activities due to our parents absents.

Dad was happy to have his son, yet my mother said when I was grown that she loved my dad, but really didn't want children...Some, I'm sure would find this disturbing, yet my mother felt that bringing a child into his world, would only impose suffering upon another generation...

Looking back I see that they both had depression issues undiagnosed, in turn self medicating themselves with the potions of that period. (Alcohol and cigarettes).  I too struggled with depression and addictive tendency. It's my belief this had been handed down genetically, thru both sides of my "family tree" including the disease that was diagnosed  in my late twenties that took the lives of some of my relatives due to the complications there in, if it wasn't for medical technology I too would have succumbed early in life. Undergoing many operations, and living with Chrones disease doesn't identify "who I am", It's just something that has to be kept in check until the body gives out In the End...

  I went through school... Kept my head my head down and didn't stand out... Not really shy but didn't fit in really. I had some friends but later found it was mainly just for "partying purposes". Finished school,(with below average grades) started a family (early) kept my head down and worked hard to keep my "head" above water (looking back to no avail.) I lost my health, lost my family and then lost my job (Boo Hoo Hoo Right?) So what, life goes on....Though it was so dramatic then.

Who's Cam?.....No one.  Why the hell did I choose to add "RT"?? Regardless of the poor view of how Ruthless Truth did business, and the reputation that ensued, that's where " I " died.... The Truth is ruthless...It takes courage and honesty to see it.

What was he?  Not a scholar, or a writer, or one with a degree by jumping through hoops to do something for a living that will show everyone that I achieved expertise at career in life. Marrying at a young age and like everyone else just trying to survive in the society we live....

I've had my share of career's and hobbies. During high school and until the motel was eventually sold, (following my grand mothers death) I helped my family run the motel, managing the front desk along with maintaining the building and grounds. Most of my career's ended up falling back on the ability of construction and repairs of buildings and home repair which was how I eventually started at a bank as a building engineer for then Security Bank of Nevada. Three years later the manager of electronic banking, noticed how hard and dedicated I was and hired me as an Account Manager and ATM/ Credit card machine installer for Bank of America, our most lucrative accounts were the "Casinos and Cat houses" that were maintained on a weekly basis and were on-call 24 hrs all over northern Nevada. Doing so until my health eventually failed a decade later...

I've never been one that appreciated being stereotyped...Yet society imposes this by labeling even the most mundane of tasks...We can start by the roles and labels of  grand parent, dad, husband, and guide in more ways than one.
I play guitar, work on my own vehicles, groom my dogs, maintain the house inside and out. All in the attempt to save money and budget like everyone else.
You could say I go by many labels yet not one can describe what it is, I really am.

 

     Eventually I met my second wife, she brought sanity to a pretty insane and chaotic life that I was living...If it wasn't for her; I probably wouldn't be here now ( At least in this capacity.)  I've come full circle in my life from a middle class childhood, to poor, then wealthy, to poor again...I've found money neither cures or helps but it seems without it, society requires "funding" while playing this "game" living life on this planet. In deed times have changed immensely since our ancestors, and what little money they made to get by on, now is a joke compared to what is nessesary now. Yet another sign of impending economic collapse. 

 
Looking back on  life I was destined for liberation. As a youngster I was quiet and reserved, more like a observer than a social butterfly...I've always been intrigued by illusions, subliminal messages and the like, and enjoyed seeing the truth behind every situation;  I've never been one to follow the crowd...In retrospect a lot of how I viewed real life turned out to be the puzzle pieces that fell into place and finally put this mind at peace, once liberation brought clarity, solace, and acceptance of what is upon this mind.